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I have felt very anxious all day today. It seems like everything made me have anxiety. I even had a few mild panic attacks over minor things. I hate the feelings that it gives me. I was suppose to go to womens meeting tonight but I made an excuse to not go it was a real reason at the time but I now see that it was just an excuse I also said that I would go next week and I have since made a reason for that not to happen it’s not that I don’t want to go I just can’t I love the women there and really enjoy the compainship that they give me. I don’t know. I wish that I was normal sometimes I wish I didn’t live in this world that I have created , this prison that I call my life. Sometimes I wish there was a magic pill that would make it all go away but just like with my weight loss there is no magic pill. I have been doing a lot of searching for answers lately and I try to dig deep inside and find that strength that everyone says I have inside but I come up lacking. Sometimes I feel like I’m so empty inside. My husband is bringing up having a baby again when he knows we can’t I truely want another baby but it knows how hard it would be and then still there are no guarantees. My husband and I had another good day no fighting I had a little bit of anxiety about him coming home and it got the kids going I was sure it would start a fight but we pushed through it and it turned out okay. Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight and for tomorrow to be better. I wish I had someone to talk to but I know that too would only last so long.
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I have thought for a long time now that good days were a thing of the past. It’s been so long since I’ve had one. It’s a rare occasion when my husband and I can relate and today was just one of those days. He actually shared a past experience with me this was a shock. Not to belittle it but it wasn’t anything major just something that he still held inside from when he was kid but still it meant something to me. We sat together and ate dinner that was so nice and he cooked for me. Then we sat together for the rest of the night and just watched tv and talked. He probably didn’t think it was much of anything but I thought it was the most special day we have had in a long long time. I made it a point to tell him how much I enjoyed each moment of it. I wish we could have more days like today where we can actually get along. I also came up with an idea I don’t know how well it work but it sounds good for me. I can not stand to be yelled at and my husband gets excited when talking about anything even if he’s not upset by the time he’s done he’s yelling. So I decided to try this we have a notebook and when we have an issue with each other or anything in general that we would write it down instead of expressing it out loud and then the other person would respond in writing. Our first comment was “this sucks” from him and I replyed ” thank you for the support I love you too.” So we’ll see how it works but hopefully we can work something out. I’m so happy with today I know it’s just a small thing but it really made a difference.
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Well I’m 27 years old. I’ve been married for 9 years this month. I have two kids 9 and 7. I love animals and have a lot of pets sometimes I love animals more then people I made the mistake of thinking that a big dog would make me feel safer so I ended up with a Doberman puppy that is just a moose and destroys everything in her path. I have been suffering from social anxiety ever since I was a little kid. I had a unusual childhood, I wasn’t physically abused it was just strange. My family did not believe in counseling, you don’t talk about your problems and you don’t share the family secrets. When I was 16 I had a very bad thing happen and as a result I was diagnosed with PTSD. I will hopefully be able to get a lot of that out and be able to stop living in fear sometimes I just sit and think of how unfair it is that someone else got to take away my life from me and I wonder what kind of life they are having. I have since been diagnosed with generalized anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, and obsessive compulsive along with the other two that I mentioned before. I did take meds off and on for a while but I have been med free for about 5 years. I don’t want to be on meds but it’s getting to the point I don’t know how much longer I can go on with the way I am. I don’t like the disconnected feeling that the meds give me and yeah it’s easy to not have a problem when your unaware that your even alive. I use to hurt myself when I had a really bad day I wouldn’t cut but I believe it is a disorder along those lines the pain brought a sense of control a release it made me feel better I haven’t hurt myself for about 4 months now and hopefully I will not do it again. I also have a eating disorder when I was younger I would go days sometimes weeks without eating much of anything I felt guilty for every bit of food that I put in my mouth. When I got pregnant with my daughter the doctors would take a test to see if there was enough of certain things in your urine to make sure the babies getting what they need basically, we had to do this weekly, when I failed one week it really hit home that I needed to stop because it was not just me anymore. After my daughter was born I had gained so much weight and was so depressed that I went to the total other extreme of it and I am now a binge eater my eating it totally controlled by my emotions. I have many other issues that haunt me but I will leave those for another post.
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This is my first blog ever, I’m hoping this will be a place that I can write everyday if not more then once a day. I want to get “it” out all of “it”. I don’t know if anyone will find this blog, which it doesn’t really matter that’s not why I’m doing it, but if you have stumbled across it feel free to leave comments. I have been told by my ex therapist to journal well here it is my life in it’s fullness.
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